5 ‘rules’ your parents taught you that are sabotaging your career: Expert
Families pass down all kinds of useful ideas, like “be honest” and “treat others well.”
But as the author of “Managing Up” and an executive coach to leaders at top organizations like Google, Amazon, NATO and more, I’ve seen how well-intentioned career advice absorbed from a young age can work against you.
None of these “rules” came from a bad place. They’re simply a reflection of a more stable work world that rewarded loyalty. But that world no longer exists.
Here are five ideas that may have been drilled into you growing up that could sabotage your success — and what to do instead.
1. ‘Don’t get too big for your britches’
Staying humble is crucial to some extent. Nobody wants to work with a colleague who steals credit for everything. Plus, listening to others before you assert yourself can prevent major disagreements.
Take modesty too far, though, and you become invisible. To avoid coming off as big-headed, you may default to saying “Oh, it was all a team effort,” even when your contributions were key. Or maybe you skip sharing a win because it feels like bragging.
But leaders aren’t mind readers. They’ll tap the person whose accomplishments they see, and who speaks up and makes it clear they want in on a certain project.
What to do instead: In your next one-on-one with your boss, ask what’s coming down the pike in the next quarter. Then offer yourself as a resource, perhaps to spearhead meetings or put together a proposal. This move creates a win-win: You’re solving a problem for your leader while also earning exposure.
2. ‘Always be grateful for the opportunity’
You might’ve heard this in statements like “Just be grateful you have a job” or “You’re lucky to be there.” It’s easy to convince yourself this logic is 100% true all the time as layoffs surge and more people in your life struggle to find work.
But the flip side is that you start treating the bare minimum as generous. You might accept a lower title or salary because asking for more seems greedy, while your less-experienced colleague earns more. Or you might stay at a job you dislike out of fear.
Gratitude and self-advocacy can co-exist. You deserve to be compensated for the value you bring.
What to do instead: Quit communicating your work in terms of tasks and focus on outcomes instead. You can point to the results you’re getting and express thanks for the opportunity at the same time.
For example, instead of “I coordinated with two departments,” try: “It was great having the chance to work across sales and engineering. With the new feature request process, I was able to unlock $100,000 in revenue for the company.”
3. ‘Just keep the peace’
Your parents may have intended to shield you from conflict and ensure you had plenty of positive work relationships with this message. But “keeping the peace” can morph into people-pleasing, especially for women. You might end up stuffing down your opinions or being overly accommodating so others feel comfortable.
The trouble is that the longer you stay quiet, the more entrenched bad ideas and behavior become. Your excessive agreeableness may also be interpreted by decision-makers as lacking conviction, preventing you from getting promoted.
Hard conversations are where your credibility is built. People respect those who can push back on an idea without making it personal.
What to do instead: Learning to diplomatically speak your mind is non-negotiable if you want to be seen as leadership material. And you can do it without burning bridges.
4. ‘Do your job well and everything else will fall into place’
When your parents were rising through the ranks, mastering your craft may have been enough to succeed. That’s changed. You still need excellent technical skills, but talent on its own won’t distinguish you from your peers.
The highest performers know that expertise must be paired with political savvy. You have to consistently assess: Who knows my work, and how much do they trust me?
What to do instead: Turn a group of neutral colleagues into allies invested in your growth. Instead of bullishly pushing through an idea, get key decision-makers’ input to shape it. Ask them to fill out a survey, comment on a draft plan, or make introductions. They’ll feel greater ownership in the final product, and greater investment in you.
5. ‘Figure it out yourself’
If the belief that self-reliance means survival instilled initiative in you, then you’re probably resourceful and accountable.
But if you internalize this advice to mean that asking for help equals weakness, you’ll burn out trying to solve everything solo. Your reliability can eventually stall your career growth, too: Leadership can’t promote you because nobody can replace you.
What to do instead: When you need a hand, ask for it in a way that makes your effort visible: “After researching, I’ve narrowed the options down to X and Y. My hunch is X is better because [your reasoning]. What’s your take?”
And when someone brings you a problem, ask questions before immediately jumping to fix it yourself, like “What have you tried so far?” or “What options are you considering?” This builds their capability and confidence, rather than their dependence on you.
Melody Wilding, LMSW is an executive coach, human behavior professor, and author of “Managing Up: How to Get What You Need from the People in Charge.” Get her free training, 5 Steps to Speak Like a Senior Leader, here.
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